The Inner Thoughts of My Inner Thoughts
Sad, angry and confused about everything I ever believed in I found my sense of enlightenment written and piercing in myself. I am Sad because i'm growing through everything and my friends are going their separate ways in life. I am angry because I failed to get a better grade on the ACT and got myself distracted easily in high school. Also, I am confused not about who I am, but more of who I want to be as a person. I am a raging war underneath my skin with my inner thoughts that seem to be my inner angels and demons and I, the pastor, rebuking them. What is this thinking you say? The more I think about it the further complicated it is to comprehend. Entering into the real world, it was tearing me apart as if I was a birthday gift given to a child shortly surprised but disappointed to not receive what he or she had wanted. I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. The image portrayed to me is not the same as I. For this person that I am staring at is more serious and his face seems emotionless until he smiles.
His ears, nose and mouth are exactly like mine, evenly and symmetrically to their halves. But his eyes, his deep sad black lifeless eyes are not mine. From time to time they hide behind the frame works of an eye specialist and the funny thing about them is that they tell the world that you need glasses. But I know it is said that the eyes are the gateway to a person’s heart and soul. So why do my eyes offend me so? I am so confused beyond words but yet understanding. I notice things.
There is a plethora of barriers prohibiting balance and world peace. Good things. Bad things. And the media of the world doesn’t help either. Fear is created and I realize staring at my eyes, that I am just another black guy to people who don’t know me. The guy that everyone knows is always smiling, laughing and cracking jokes. This person that I see staring at me, is he an insult to my very being?
My happy being?
I am happy.
At least I should be.
I live in a nice and loving home and I have people in my life who love and care for me.
I stare at the mirror, and it stares back. It turns into a staring contest now. It's just me, this mysterious person in the mirror and the stillness of time.
I blink, fuck! That is the first word that comes out of my mouth.
My hands gifted with quick reflexes turns the handle of the faucet and douse themselves under the cold water. They interact with my face and the splash is rejuvenating. I look back in the mirror. Those same sad, deep, lifeless eyes are still there! This time I challenged the mirror to open those sad lifeless eyes wider and after doing so I came to several realizations.
It's the summer of 2014.
I'm officially a senior. My emotion to that is word "senior" is different from everybody else’s. To be honest I could care less about what I have reached now because I have always known who I am. I was in 9th, 10th and 11 grade, so who was I? Eddie. The reason I say this is because even though I have experienced several different cultural influences, I have still been me.
As I grow older I ensure myself that I can be numb to the feeling of letting life bring me down because that is just food for my inner demons and that right there is what can consumed a person. The same thing that can bring me happiness is the same thing that can destroy me. My smile is one that still resembles my baby pictures and when and if it seem fake I try to bounce myself back from going down that path. I started making music and expressing my feelings and at times they turned to music that may be blasphemous to someone’s higher power.
In my time of defeat and out of character I found self actualization. I realized in my time being in St. Louis I forgot where I came from. I forgot my purpose and reason for going there in the first place and that is to set an example to my cousins and friends that look up to me that perseverance, kindness and the drive to further ones knowledge is the right way to reach success.
Flash back to 62nd street Avenue, I always got good grades and won art awards being the fact that I was an African immigrant in an African American school. I used to get bullied because I was African. The common insult is being called African booty scratcher. I guess one thing the Immigration Services failed to tell my family and I was how there was a social division between blacks and blacks and in Americans.
My greatest downfall was that I had anger issues and I found myself in a plethora of fist fights in 3rd and 4th grade.
That was the end of that.
In 5th grade, the next year I still got bullied and found myself in more fights. I was standing by my front door one day. The sun just peeking through the fog on a sunday morning and there was a hint of frost on the ground. Three young bulls (kids) in my grade came walking up on my street. They broke the hinge on the door and the next day of school I fought them each. A couple months later my grandma told me that Princess and I were going to the Baptist Children’s Home (BCH) in St. Louis and we did. While there I made improvements. I still had anger issues but putting in some good work was a way to release anger and any stress.
It turned out that I was good at sports and the people at St. Louis accepted me for that and who I am. Because of that I outgrew my anger issues like a pair of worn out old tennis shoes. Plus, I don’t fight anymore.
People just talk.
I can deal with talking.
Summer of 2014, St. Louis, Michigan.
The me in the mirror hated the me looking in because I used to spend more time chasing women then calling my own family back. Along with myself hatred and realizations I finally concluded that I was home sick and Laurie encouraged me to go visit and also encouraged me to continue with high school. She is one of the sweetest person I have ever met. There would be no point in going home because I have nothing to go home to. My family is not really a family. The only person that I really truly looked up to was always working to make ends meet but I admire her, my grandma. That's where I get my motivation to achieve greatness from. There's not much to talk about when I call her or vice versa, but it makes me feel good to tell her how good I'm doing and what new goals I am setting.
In doing so, my inner demons are put to rest and I feel more at peace. I was a nobody back in Philadelphia. I notice the small things in St. Louis. I try to make people's day and my thinking is that if I can put a smile on someone's face then it adds up to a little fraction of my day being made as well.
I used my life experience as an example. In order to reach peace or as to say "world peace" is not what can be done outwardly but what one can do inside themselves to better themselves. It's the idea that has power. I realized all this after addressing my inner thoughts or per say my inner demons and my brother Marcus is about to get out of placement, which is basically minor's prison. My cousin Gifty is turning more into a young wild teen, my Uncle tries to be a musician by making rap music and Princess is a woman now. I have to set the example for self betterment for them. I have to set the example for my whole family. It's the idea of inner peace that I want to spread some day.
I dont want to follow.
I want to lead.
I have always been a leader; setting an example for people I come in contact with and making people’s days and basically letting them know that there is something to live for when you feel the walls of life collapsing down on you.
That is real.
Helping people is real.
Its a feeling, not getting paper, having sexual intercourse with woman and having a mind set of fuck everything.
The whole thought of being real is bolded in my head now. Reaching self betterment is something that flows through my veins. I want to change the world because I notice all these things that go on in it. All this evil and the media and society creating fear between people when in reality we are suppose to strengthen each other. And one can see that example with sports team. A solid, well rounded team will win more games. Just imagine what we as humans can do if we tried to strengthen each other. The possibilities for creating world peace is powerful beyond measure.
I'm still wrestling with my inner demons though. I struggle with being rejected and I struggle with speaking my mind. I also tend to chase girls that I have feelings for but my problem is that I’m attracted to a lot of people. Does that make me a bad person?
I’m not sure. I feel like because of me having strong feelings for these girls that I’m one step close to being a player and players aren’t real. Playing people isn’t real.
But my feelings are real.
All these realizations and thought came to me in my lowest time. The girls I used to love and the girls I love make me feel awkward because they are always around me at the same time. I’m a little home sick from not seeing my family in awhile or my hometown and I find out that my grandmother hasn’t been feeling good lately. I am afraid to accept the possible truths of her life getting to a close. I am sad, while at the same time happy with my life in St. louis. But take away my life in St. Louis and all the girls I chase and my life should seem sad.
I want to make a difference in peoples lives, but how can I do that? I have my issues and thoughts holding back from my inner being, myself, from reaching balance and peace. I have to address my inner demons. So once again, I go back into the bathroom and my inner thoughts, me, noticed my heart. It did not match my sad lifeless eyes and thoughts. Every thumping beat showed signs of hope for self betterment and my whole life is the mechanism leading to that changing points.
His ears, nose and mouth are exactly like mine, evenly and symmetrically to their halves. But his eyes, his deep sad black lifeless eyes are not mine. From time to time they hide behind the frame works of an eye specialist and the funny thing about them is that they tell the world that you need glasses. But I know it is said that the eyes are the gateway to a person’s heart and soul. So why do my eyes offend me so? I am so confused beyond words but yet understanding. I notice things.
There is a plethora of barriers prohibiting balance and world peace. Good things. Bad things. And the media of the world doesn’t help either. Fear is created and I realize staring at my eyes, that I am just another black guy to people who don’t know me. The guy that everyone knows is always smiling, laughing and cracking jokes. This person that I see staring at me, is he an insult to my very being?
My happy being?
I am happy.
At least I should be.
I live in a nice and loving home and I have people in my life who love and care for me.
I stare at the mirror, and it stares back. It turns into a staring contest now. It's just me, this mysterious person in the mirror and the stillness of time.
I blink, fuck! That is the first word that comes out of my mouth.
My hands gifted with quick reflexes turns the handle of the faucet and douse themselves under the cold water. They interact with my face and the splash is rejuvenating. I look back in the mirror. Those same sad, deep, lifeless eyes are still there! This time I challenged the mirror to open those sad lifeless eyes wider and after doing so I came to several realizations.
It's the summer of 2014.
I'm officially a senior. My emotion to that is word "senior" is different from everybody else’s. To be honest I could care less about what I have reached now because I have always known who I am. I was in 9th, 10th and 11 grade, so who was I? Eddie. The reason I say this is because even though I have experienced several different cultural influences, I have still been me.
As I grow older I ensure myself that I can be numb to the feeling of letting life bring me down because that is just food for my inner demons and that right there is what can consumed a person. The same thing that can bring me happiness is the same thing that can destroy me. My smile is one that still resembles my baby pictures and when and if it seem fake I try to bounce myself back from going down that path. I started making music and expressing my feelings and at times they turned to music that may be blasphemous to someone’s higher power.
In my time of defeat and out of character I found self actualization. I realized in my time being in St. Louis I forgot where I came from. I forgot my purpose and reason for going there in the first place and that is to set an example to my cousins and friends that look up to me that perseverance, kindness and the drive to further ones knowledge is the right way to reach success.
Flash back to 62nd street Avenue, I always got good grades and won art awards being the fact that I was an African immigrant in an African American school. I used to get bullied because I was African. The common insult is being called African booty scratcher. I guess one thing the Immigration Services failed to tell my family and I was how there was a social division between blacks and blacks and in Americans.
My greatest downfall was that I had anger issues and I found myself in a plethora of fist fights in 3rd and 4th grade.
That was the end of that.
In 5th grade, the next year I still got bullied and found myself in more fights. I was standing by my front door one day. The sun just peeking through the fog on a sunday morning and there was a hint of frost on the ground. Three young bulls (kids) in my grade came walking up on my street. They broke the hinge on the door and the next day of school I fought them each. A couple months later my grandma told me that Princess and I were going to the Baptist Children’s Home (BCH) in St. Louis and we did. While there I made improvements. I still had anger issues but putting in some good work was a way to release anger and any stress.
It turned out that I was good at sports and the people at St. Louis accepted me for that and who I am. Because of that I outgrew my anger issues like a pair of worn out old tennis shoes. Plus, I don’t fight anymore.
People just talk.
I can deal with talking.
Summer of 2014, St. Louis, Michigan.
The me in the mirror hated the me looking in because I used to spend more time chasing women then calling my own family back. Along with myself hatred and realizations I finally concluded that I was home sick and Laurie encouraged me to go visit and also encouraged me to continue with high school. She is one of the sweetest person I have ever met. There would be no point in going home because I have nothing to go home to. My family is not really a family. The only person that I really truly looked up to was always working to make ends meet but I admire her, my grandma. That's where I get my motivation to achieve greatness from. There's not much to talk about when I call her or vice versa, but it makes me feel good to tell her how good I'm doing and what new goals I am setting.
In doing so, my inner demons are put to rest and I feel more at peace. I was a nobody back in Philadelphia. I notice the small things in St. Louis. I try to make people's day and my thinking is that if I can put a smile on someone's face then it adds up to a little fraction of my day being made as well.
I used my life experience as an example. In order to reach peace or as to say "world peace" is not what can be done outwardly but what one can do inside themselves to better themselves. It's the idea that has power. I realized all this after addressing my inner thoughts or per say my inner demons and my brother Marcus is about to get out of placement, which is basically minor's prison. My cousin Gifty is turning more into a young wild teen, my Uncle tries to be a musician by making rap music and Princess is a woman now. I have to set the example for self betterment for them. I have to set the example for my whole family. It's the idea of inner peace that I want to spread some day.
I dont want to follow.
I want to lead.
I have always been a leader; setting an example for people I come in contact with and making people’s days and basically letting them know that there is something to live for when you feel the walls of life collapsing down on you.
That is real.
Helping people is real.
Its a feeling, not getting paper, having sexual intercourse with woman and having a mind set of fuck everything.
The whole thought of being real is bolded in my head now. Reaching self betterment is something that flows through my veins. I want to change the world because I notice all these things that go on in it. All this evil and the media and society creating fear between people when in reality we are suppose to strengthen each other. And one can see that example with sports team. A solid, well rounded team will win more games. Just imagine what we as humans can do if we tried to strengthen each other. The possibilities for creating world peace is powerful beyond measure.
I'm still wrestling with my inner demons though. I struggle with being rejected and I struggle with speaking my mind. I also tend to chase girls that I have feelings for but my problem is that I’m attracted to a lot of people. Does that make me a bad person?
I’m not sure. I feel like because of me having strong feelings for these girls that I’m one step close to being a player and players aren’t real. Playing people isn’t real.
But my feelings are real.
All these realizations and thought came to me in my lowest time. The girls I used to love and the girls I love make me feel awkward because they are always around me at the same time. I’m a little home sick from not seeing my family in awhile or my hometown and I find out that my grandmother hasn’t been feeling good lately. I am afraid to accept the possible truths of her life getting to a close. I am sad, while at the same time happy with my life in St. louis. But take away my life in St. Louis and all the girls I chase and my life should seem sad.
I want to make a difference in peoples lives, but how can I do that? I have my issues and thoughts holding back from my inner being, myself, from reaching balance and peace. I have to address my inner demons. So once again, I go back into the bathroom and my inner thoughts, me, noticed my heart. It did not match my sad lifeless eyes and thoughts. Every thumping beat showed signs of hope for self betterment and my whole life is the mechanism leading to that changing points.